


maybe the real furry was the friends we made along the way

by Until_Death



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (probably not tbh), Attempt at Humor, Canon Compliant, Gen, Humor, also you could probably project some ships onto this, or like, there are like mentions of kinks and stuff which is the only reason this is above general, who's to say if a convo like this has ever actually happened we'll never know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 00:09:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15400638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Until_Death/pseuds/Until_Death
Summary: After an hour, Matsukawa says, “Scooby Doo is a lot gayer than I remembered.”Iwaizumi closes his book. “Well, we were due for some sort of shenanigans. What the fuck?”Hanamaki joins everybody on the bed. “I concur, Fred is a twunk.”Oikawa already looks like he wants to cry. “I should’ve quit volleyball,” he says.“Or you could’ve gone to Shiratorizawa,” Iwaizumi responds.Or: I project my relationships with my friends onto fictional characters and have them say the dumb shit we've said as a late birthday gift to Oikawa (a unique present if nothing else).





	maybe the real furry was the friends we made along the way

**Author's Note:**

> title by fall out boy

“Apparently,” Hanamaki says from the floor, “Alexander the Great has the same birthday as Oikawa.”

“He’s that Roman, right?” Oikawa asks, face red from the fifteen minutes he’s spent upside down and half off his bed instead of studying maths because, in his words, “fuck that.”

Hanamaki hums. “If ‘that Roman’ means the Greek who created one of the largest empires in the world, then yeah.”

Oikawa waves his hand, almost hitting Matsukawa who actually is studying. “Same thing, whatever. All I know is that he was awesome, so of course we share a birthday.”

“Iwaizumi might’ve been born on the day he died.”

Iwaizumi punches Oikawa’s thigh without looking up from his chemistry book. “Watch yourself, dumbass.”

Oikawa frowns. “Are you insinuating that you’re going to kill me?”

With a nonchalant shrug Iwaizumi says, “I mean, I wouldn’t admit it with witnesses in the room.”

“Oh, here’s a fun quote about our man Alexander,” Hanamaki interrupts, sitting up. “’Alexander was only defeated once…and that was by Hephaestion’s thighs.’”

“Ah, so he was very similar to Oikawa,” says Iwaizumi, completely straight faced. Oikawa makes a questioning sound.

“An extreme bottom,” Matsukawa says.

“I have,” Oikawa begins, offended, “ _never_ said _anything_ about being a bottom.”

“You’ve said choke me daddy too many times to claim otherwise.”

“Fucking.” Oikawa struggles to get up without falling off the bed, like a beetle trying to do a sit up.

“You really need to work on your core, Oikawa.”

“Shut up, Iwa-chan.”

Eventually, Oikawa rights himself and sits cross legged on his bed. “Choke me daddy is Mattsun’s fault.”

Iwaizumi’s brow furrows in confusion while Matsukawa wears an expression of dawning realisation.

“Please expand,” Hanamaki implores, turning off his phone in order to fully devote his attention to the story.

“Well,” begins Oikawa, “remember when we were first years and we had to rotate partners in order to build teamwork and stuff? Every time I was with Mattsun, _every fucking time_ , if I even glanced at Iwa-chan while he was doing anything that caused his arms to flex, which was often because we were goddamn warming up, he would whisper ‘choke me, daddy’ and I would get in trouble for hitting him or yelling in disgust and terror.”

“I remember that. I thought you were being a brat.” Iwaizumi nods. “Huh. Why the fuck did you pick that up?”

Oikawa looks into the distance, the distance being out the window behind Iwaizumi. “My ability to absorb knowledge quickly is both a blessing and a curse.”

Matsukawa hits Oikawa with the pillow he had been sitting on. “Don’t brag while you’re dragging me and my first year mistakes.”

“You literally still say choke me daddy every time Iwa-chan shows his arms.”

“I want him to choke me.”

“You’re into that?”

“I’m into death.”

“Sorry, Matsukawa, Oikawa’s the only person I’m willing to kill.”

“Aww.” Oikawa pauses. “Actually, wait, fuck you.”

Iwaizumi laughs and ruffles Oikawa’s hair. “It’s out of love.”

“Murder, out of love?”

“Is that Iwaizumi’s weird kink?” asks Hanamaki. “Oikawa’s into choking, Matsukawa’s into dying, Iwaizumi’s into murdering Oikawa.”

“And what’s your weird kink, Hanamaki?” Oikawa inquires innocently, resting his elbow on his knee and his chin in his hand. “Let me guess; vore?”

“That’s a fetish and how dare you.”

Iwaizumi turns a page. “I don’t know if it’s a kink but he’s definitely into voyeurism.”

“You dick, I can’t help that the universe hates me and wants me to experience my friends in the most compromising positions possible.”

“I don’t know how you haven’t yet figured out how to knock,” Matsukawa adds, always prepared to shame Hanamaki.

“I don’t have siblings, I’ve never had to!” Hanamaki throws his hands up in exasperation, almost hitting the nose of Oikawa, who’s peering down with a raised eyebrow.

“Iwa-chan doesn’t have siblings and he acts like a caveman but he still knocks.”

“Yeah, but he has you and you’re always doing weird shit behind closed doors.”

Oikawa opens his mouth to argue, but with Matsukawa’s hand on his knee and Iwaizumi’s on his shoulder, and both of them shaking their heads, he resigns himself to the fact that he has indeed been caught doing weird shit by literally everybody on the volleyball team. He sniffs and turns his nose up. “I’m letting you get away with that one, Makki.”

Iwaizumi’s sigh is one that holds many years of suffering.

Matsukawa hoists himself onto the bed, tired of sitting on a wooden floor without a pillow. “So the current tally is that I want to die, Iwaizumi wants to kill, just not me, Oikawa wants Iwaizumi to choke him, and Hanamaki is a voyeur. How is Hanamaki the least weird? With voyeurism?”

“It’s because I’m a pure and innocent angel, Mattsun.”

In an eerie three-way unison, they chorus, “Bullshit.”

Hanamaki shrugs. “I’ll accept that.”

With the excitement dying down, everyone turns back to their work, refreshed after a break in the studying, even if it was to assign kinks and fetishes out of arbitrary interactions.

After an hour, Matsukawa says, “Scooby Doo is a lot gayer than I remembered.”

Iwaizumi closes his book. “Well, we were due for some sort of shenanigans. What the fuck?”

Hanamaki joins everybody on the bed. “I concur, Fred is a twunk.”

Oikawa already looks like he wants to cry. “I should’ve quit volleyball,” he says.

“Or you could’ve gone to Shiratorizawa,” Iwaizumi responds. Hanamaki holds Oikawa’s arm as he attempts to throw his textbook at Iwaizumi’s head.

“So, Matsukawa,” Hanamaki comments, voice strained as he wraps his arms around Oikawa’s shoulders, “please expand on gay Scooby Doo.”

“Velma wasn’t straight.” There’s a general hum of consensus, even from the still struggling Oikawa.

“I would like to present,” Hanamaki adds, resting his chin on Oikawa’s shoulder, “that they were all dating.”

Iwaizumi stops dodging Oikawa’s flailing limbs and cocks his head to the side. “Even the dog?”

There’s a beat of absolute silence broken by Oikawa yelping, “Jesus fucking Christ, Hajime, why would you even think that?” Matsukawa dissolves into hysteric laughter, eyes immediately welling up with tears, and has to lean on Hanamaki, whose face is buried in Oikawa’s back like a child as he mumbles quietly to himself. 

“Iwaizumi is a furry,” he murmurs. “I thought we only had to worry about Kyoutani, but now it makes sense that he looks up to him, fuck, I need to re-evaluate everything.”

Matsukawa topples sideways off the bed and curls into a shaking ball on the ground, cackling loudly. Hanamaki is seconds away from sobbing from some unidentifiable emotion, and Oikawa’s shrieking, extremely glad his parents are out visiting his siblings. Iwaizumi is faced with a magnitude of regret that he has never felt before, and he regrets a lot.

“In my defence,” Iwaizumi begins, half yelling over the noise, “I was barely paying attention because someone was attempting first degree murder with a blunt force weapon.” He glares at Oikawa, who chuckles sheepishly.

“The damage is done,” whispers Hanamaki ominously. Matsukawa wipes his eyes, one arm around his stomach, and, lifting his head from the floor, looks at Iwaizumi.

“I’m never letting you live this down,” he gasps. “Fuck, that was great.”

Iwaizumi groans and tilts his head back to rest against the wall. “Please, I don’t want to be known as the furry of Aoba Johsai, I have a reputation to maintain.”

Oikawa hums. “I don’t know, you’re always awfully quick to tarnish my reputation.”

“I will sue you for slander.”

Hanamaki stares at Oikawa. “Since when did you have a reputation that wasn’t tarnished?”

“I’m being attacked, Mattsun, help.” Oikawa leans over Iwaizumi’s legs to grip Matsukawa’s hands pleadingly.

“Come on, you’re distracting from the real issue, which is, of course, that we’ve only just now found out that Iwaizumi’s a furry.”

Iwaizumi levels a dead eyed stare at Matsukawa. Neither of them blink for several seconds, although Matsukawa’s eyebrows are wiggling fiercely. Finally, Iwaizumi breaks, snorting at the honestly admirable eyebrow dexterity of Matsukawa.

“I maintain that I’m not a furry,” he says. “I also maintain that we need to actually do work if we want to go to university.” This statement is met with grumbling and reluctance, but an eventual focus.

Five minutes later, it’s Iwaizumi who breaks the silence, saying, “Ok, so I still maintain that I’m not a furry, but, please, google Mothman’s ass.”

“Iwa-chan, what have you been doing?” asks Oikawa worriedly as he swiftly googles Mothman’s ass, fully confident that Matsukawa and Hanamaki are following suit.

“Why is it so nice?” Matsukawa lies on his back and holds his phone far too close to his face, squinting. “That’s a quality ass.”

“Doesn’t quite beat Iwaizumi’s but it comes pretty damn close,” adds Hanamaki. “Speaking of, how did you find Mothman’s ass, you furry?”

Iwaizumi sighs, half resigned to the furry label and half trying not to murder someone. “I was looking at biology and there were moths and…” he triails off, staring at his phone. “Why did they make it like that? Is America that obsessed with asses? How would they know if Mothman had a good ass, that really wouldn’t be my priority if I met him.”

Oikawa, eyes still fixed on Mothman’s ass, asks, “What would be your priority?”

“Not dying, I guess. Checking out the ass of the thing trying to kill me definitely isn’t up there.”

“But what if, like,” Hanamaki lowers his phone, “the thing trying to kill you was super hot.”

Iwaizumi blinks. “I’d still be about to fucking die, Hanamaki.”

“I dunno,” Oikawa muses. “I mean, if you were trying to kill me I would still check you out, Iwa-chan.”

Matsukawa finally pulls his eyes away from his phone. “Yeah, ditto.” Hanamaki nods in agreement.

“Everything about you three concerns me deeply,” states Iwaizumi, “and I’m truly worried about how you’ll function in adult society.”

“Easy answer, I won’t function in adult society, Iwa-chan, you should know this. I’ll find Mothman and marry him, and we will live happily in the American midwest.”

“Your English is almost incoherent.”

“I’m sure his is too.”

Iwaizumi rubs his eyes tiredly. “There isn’t anything sweet in the forests that Mothman lives in.”

“Fuck,” Oikawa whispers. Instantly, he perks up. “Well, I won’t need anything sweeter than my moth-husband’s ass.”

“Maybe the real furry was Oikawa,” Hanamaki says, some semblance of actual concern in his eyes.

“Maybe the real furry was the friends we made along the way,” contemplates Matsukawa. Hanamaki reaches over to high five him. Oikawa beams.

“You’re too happy for someone who just got called a furry,” Iwaizumi grumbles. “Stop it.”

“Didn’t you hear them, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa wraps an arm around Iwaizumi’s shoulder. “We’re all furries now.”

Iwaizumi sighs. “We are one of the few schools without an animal mascot. We could have gotten away with not being called a furry. And yet, you do this to us?”

Raising an eyebrow, Matsukawa says, “Was it not you who began this furry business, Iwaizumi? Were we not innocent witnesses to the depravities of your mind? Our pure ears now tainted because of the filth you spew?”

“Poetic, Mattsun.”

“Your way with words inspires me.”

“Thank you.” Matsukawa leans an elbow on the bed, looking up at Iwaizumi. “The people have spoken.”

“The people can suck my dick.”

“A fair rebuttal.” Hanamaki snaps his history book shut dramatically. “How will Matsukawa ever counter that?” 

Oikawa leans against Iwaizumi. “Iwa-chan, you did this to yourself. Just accept your government mandated kink like the rest of us.”

“Huh, that’s funny,” Iwaizumi remarks. “I vividly remember you vehemently denying being into breathplay and calling me daddy.”

Scowling, Oikawa collapses onto Iwaizumi’s lap. “I was set up.” Iwaizumi pats Oikawa’s hair gently, rolling his eyes. 

“Burn your dignity, it gets in the way of enjoying yourself,” says Hanamaki. “That’s what I did and I’ve never regretted anything since.”

“What about -” Hanamaki slaps a hand over Matsukawa’s mouth. 

“That was not an invitation, I lied and regret so much. Half of it involves you three somehow, which is impressive because I’ve done some dumbass shit when left alone.”

“Speaking of dumbass shit,” Iwaizumi begins, “we’ve had three separate discussions about kinks, should we just watch a movie instead of studying?”

Hanamaki almost falls off the bed racing to the door, pulling Matsukawa behind him, yelling something about not watching anything with lizards or aliens because goddammit we’re the guests and you’ve subjected us to that shit too many times to count. Oikawa, on the other hand, shots up and drags Iwaizumi to his feet, shouting, “Just for that we’re watching _Godzilla Planet of the Monsters_ , fuck you!”

**Author's Note:**

> So this was intended to be nothing but then I got bored and it was Oikawa's birthday and then when I sent out of context quotes to my friends they encouraged me which is never a good idea, and now we have this, which was written in a day and hardly edited whoops what a great first impression. Also this is almost entirely dialogue, I have no regrets and make no apologies.
> 
> The mothman and scooby doo conversations are almost verbatim ones that I've had with my friends and we also prescribe each other kinks far??? to often????? it's concerning.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> tumblr (pls come talk to me if you wanna, im truly just a loser trying to make friends despite being bad at conversations)


End file.
